Ride the Rockies came through Fort Collins a few years back. We got to see the cyclists come through town at our friends yard. As we waited for the bikers to whizz by, I learned that some folks in the area were not happy about their presence. And they threw thumbtacks on the road of a preceding section to show their disapproval.
Thumbtacks!
This was on a section of the ride that was downhill (did I say hill, I mean mountain). So when the riders hit the thumbtacks they wiped out from a sudden flat tire. Ouch!
Apparently the thunbtackers were saying "you're not welcome here." This is not an acceptable way to assert a boundary. It's aggressive and harmful.
After recently having lunch with a friend, I decided to e-introduced her to a colleague. They have similar interests and areas of business. I figured they would enjoy connecting and learning about each other but made no indication of how that should occur.
The one recipient responded to the email immediately. After a perfunctory thanks. She chided me saying, "I'd love it if you could check with me before making email intros. I get a lot of them and I much prefer the double opt in so that I can confirm I will have space to follow up and a reason to do so."
I was taken aback by her reply. Did she respond to my friend at all? Nope!
Her negging reaction humiliated me. Apparently her busy is more important than my busy. Probably without intending to, she communicated that I'm expected to do more work to uphold her boundary.
So why should I bother connecting her with other people?
Well, I'm disinclined to now. It's a thumbtack boundary. My tires are deflated. And I have a boundary - I don't take on other people's emotional labor.
Still, I feel for her. I know she's been feeling overwhelmed by people requesting coffee meetings with her. And she's been working diligently to pivot her business with great success.
I didn't mean to contribute to her overwhelm. I assumed she had ways of managing her mounting success.
I have seen business owners so busy with work they turned the faucet off of referrals - "don't send me anymore work, I'm too busy." Only to find themselves in a desert without a drink of water when times got lean.
Shutting people down from being raving fans of her business is not a winning move. She has a prime opportunity to learn how to do boundaries better, which will give her greater peace of mind and enable her community to grow.
There's a simple, yet hard truth to accept that makes the difference between throwing thumbtacks and asserting effective boundaries.
"Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves based on what is acceptable and unacceptable to us. Boundaries don’t require anyone else to do anything. Sometimes, boundaries are just with ourselves." Nicole Cuttita
This statement was hard for me to swallow when I first heard it. I have a tendency to externalize responsibility when I'm particularly stressed (just ask my partner, he can attest it's true). So my first go to at asserting boundaries is trying to control other people. It doesn't work!
Instead of slamming the door shut, she could have chosen different actions. Like building a chute to direct the flow of new introductions she's feeling overwhelmed by.
She could have an email template to reply to e-introductions that expresses the best way to connect with her, i.e. "I'm not taking any meetings right now, but please follow me on these platforms and let me know where I can learn more about you. I like to get to know new people via online communities."
That's a boundary she can control. A boundary she can enforce. A boundary that keeps my momentum for her. Therefore, expressing her boundaries while keeping the door open to new opportunities.
Thumbtack boundaries are usually reactionary. They come from a visceral place that's got a lot of bite. There's strong feelings of fear present and externalization of responsibility.
The riders who wiped out on Ride the Rockies shouldered the burden of repairing their bikes and their bodies because someone couldn't share the road. Whoever littered the street with the thumbtacks had other options for drawing boundaries that didn't place the responsibility squarely on the riders (nor cause them physical harm).
Do you struggle to maintain your boundaries when faced with pushback, guilt-tripping, or unexpected demands? Setting boundaries is one thing—holding them when tested is another. Join me for a FREE workshop on Asserting Compassionate Boundaries when Tested, and learn how to stay firm with confidence. Learn more and register online today!
Well said, Ariana. This is tough territory to try to navigate!
Carl