I didn’t know it was wrong.
Because I thought it was normal.
Growing up, there was a lot of arguing and yelling in my family. It was just...how we interacted.
We’d be driving 70 miles per hour down the highway, and suddenly, a shouting match about the directions would erupt between my dad and me. I used to laugh about it. It seemed silly, even kind of fun. I didn’t think twice.
Becoming Aware of What’s Really Going On
But I’ve realized what felt “normal” was actually causing stress in my body. That stress was contributing to chronic illness.
In the moment, I’d feel the surge of adrenaline coursing through my blood. My heart started beating faster. My whole body tensed up. And I carried agitation with me afterward like an unshakable shadow I’d cast onto other people with a rumbling growl. It was an unnecessary stressor with a cascade of negative effects.
Once I saw the connection between the interaction and the subsequent impact, everything shifted. What I used to brush off as playful banter revealed itself for what it truly was: demoralizing, dysregulating, and harmful.
Normalized Doesn’t Mean Healthy
I’ve seen this pattern show up over and over again in my work with leaders and organizations. So many people struggle to assert their boundaries, to name when something isn’t okay, because they’ve been conditioned to believe that certain behaviors are just "how things are." And if you’ve been swimming in that water your whole life, you don’t even realize it’s toxic.
But here's the thing:
Just because something is normalized doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
This is a pervasive and unhealthy dynamic librarians and other helping professionals are struggling with more and more lately. “Providing good customer service means putting up with abuse.”
And people are burning out putting up it!
The Cost of Mislabeling and Miscommunication
What’s even more complex is how the cycle perpetuates itself. Someone is treated with hostility—spoken to with aggression, dismissiveness, or even outright verbal abuse—and when they finally name it or try to set a boundary, they’re accused of being the bully.
The person who caused harm flips the script, turning accountability into a weapon.
It’s no wonder so many people are confused about how to name what’s not okay. Labels like “bullying” or “abuse” can feel loaded, even polarizing. And while they may be true, they often shut down dialogue instead of opening it up.
That’s why we have to speak to specific behaviors. We have to get clear on:
- What is constructive and kind?
- What is harmful or hostile?
- What does crossing the line really look like?
- How do we hold one another accountable in a way that’s rooted in care and clarity?
And we have to stand firm. Repeating ourselves if necessary. Naming the specific behavior that won’t be tolerated. And not succumbing to manipulative tactics to humiliate, shame, or degrade us for having boundaries.
Leadership Rooted in Compassion, Not Control
Here's the uncomfortable truth - there are still leaders out there who equate leadership with dominance. Who believe that instilling fear, demonstrating superiority, and even traumatizing others is a valid form of control.
But this is not leadership.
And it certainly doesn’t reflect the values so many of us claim to hold dear—whether those values are rooted in compassion, community, faith, or simply a belief in human dignity.
So I offer this invitation:
Take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself—
What behaviors have you normalized that might actually be harming you or others?
What stress have you accepted as just part of the job, when in reality it’s chipping away at your well-being?
What if you didn’t have to grin and bear it any longer? What would be possible then?
Choosing a Different Path
Choosing to unlearn these patterns is possible. It takes time, support, and a willingness to sit with discomfort. But it’s necessary—especially now.
Because how we lead, how we treat each other, how we create spaces of belonging—these choices shape our collective future. And the work of changing those patterns starts with recognizing the harmful behaviors we’ve mistaken for normal up until now.
Are you tired of putting up with harmful behavior from others? Do you want to shift the patterns in your interactions? Join me for the next FREE Asserting Compassionate Boundaries When Tested Workshop on Friday, April 4th. Stay Confident, Respected, and at Peace—Especially in Challenging Situations!
Comments