I’ve been thinking a lot about how easy it is to name what we want—but how hard it can be to recognize, name, and advocate for what we need. This isn’t just a personal challenge; I see it all the time in my work with leaders and teams. We’re great at setting goals, striving for achievements, and checking things off our to-do lists. But when it comes to meeting our deeper needs—physically, emotionally, mentally—we hesitate. We ignore them. Or worse, we convince ourselves they aren’t important.
And that’s a problem.
We Learn About Needs vs. Wants as Kids—So Why Do We Forget?
When my daughter was in second grade, her class did an exercise about the difference between needs and wants. They made a chart:
Needs: Food, water, shelter, clothing.
Wants: Toys, video games, a trip to Disney World.
It was a beautifully simple distinction. And yet, as adults, we seem to lose touch with this understanding. We might say, I want a vacation, I want a new job, or I want a bigger house—but when it comes to naming what we actually need, we struggle.
We push through exhaustion instead of recognizing we need rest.We force ourselves to keep going when what we really need is to pause.We ignore that nagging feeling telling us something is off because we don’t trust ourselves to name the need underneath it.
And when we don’t meet our needs? We burn out. We feel stuck. We struggle to show up as our best selves.
Why Is It So Hard to Recognize Our Needs?
One of the biggest challenges is that recognizing and naming our needs is an internal process. No one else can do it for us. Sure, we can seek guidance—like getting bloodwork done to confirm an iron deficiency—but ultimately, we have to be the ones to tune in, acknowledge, and act on what we truly need.
But here’s where it gets tricky:
We’re conditioned to prioritize productivity over well-being. Many of us have internalized the belief that pushing through is a virtue, that slowing down or prioritizing self-care is indulgent.
We mistake wants for needs. Wanting more money is understandable when it’s about affording necessities. But when we cross a certain threshold, it’s no longer about survival—it’s about chasing something we think will fulfill us. Newsflash, no one ever said on their deathbed, “I wish I made more money.”
We fear that honoring our needs will inconvenience others. We don’t want to let people down. We don’t want to be seen as weak. So we push our needs aside, hoping they’ll magically resolve themselves. Spoiler: They don’t.
How Do We Get Better at Recognizing Our Needs?
1. Listen to Your Body
Our bodies are constantly communicating with us, but we don’t always listen. I recently felt tired so I went for a walk, hoping to feel refreshed and re-energized. Instead, I felt sluggish and drained. It took me a moment to realize—I was dehydrated. My body had been telling me what I needed all along, but I had ignored the signals.
Fatigue, headaches, irritability—these aren’t random inconveniences. They’re messages. Learning to listen to them is a practice. Just like we know we’re hungry by listening to our body say, “time to eat.”
2. Pay Attention to What Drains and Fuels You
It’s important to start tracking the cause and effect of your day-to-day life. Reflect on:
What activities or conversations leave you feeling exhausted?
What experiences make you feel grounded and energized?
Our needs often reveal themselves in the patterns of what fuels us versus what drains us. If you’re constantly feeling depleted, it’s worth asking: What am I missing?
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Here’s the thing: You won’t always get it right. Sometimes, you’ll realize what you needed after you’ve gone too long without it. That’s okay. Instead of beating yourself up, approach it with compassion and curiosity. Ask yourself, What can I learn from this? How can I show up differently next time? And remind yourself that it’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does.
4. Set Boundaries That Protect Your Needs
Honoring our needs often means setting boundaries—especially when it’s uncomfortable.
That might mean saying no to commitments that drain you, structuring your schedule to allow for breaks, or stepping away from interactions that aren’t mutually respectful.
Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about creating the conditions that allow you to show up fully.
Advocating for Your Needs Isn’t Selfish—It’s Necessary
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: When we don’t acknowledge our needs, we all suffer. We become more reactive, less present, and unable to bring our best selves to our work, our relationships, and our lives.
But when we commit to recognizing, naming, and advocating for our needs?
We show up with greater clarity and energy.
We set an example for others to do the same.
We create a culture—at work, at home, in our communities—that values well-being over burnout.
So, I invite you to pause for a moment and ask yourself:
What do I need right now?
Not what should I do? or what does everyone else expect from me? —but what do I truly need?
And then, the real challenge: How can you honor that need today?
Do you struggle to maintain your boundaries when faced with pushback, guilt-tripping, or unexpected demands? Setting boundaries is one thing—holding them in the face of a challenge is another. Join me for a FREE workshop on Asserting Compassionate Boundaries when Tested, and learn how to stay firm with confidence. Learn more and register online today!
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