My 8 month old kitten has been significantly bigger than my 5 year old cat for the majority of the time we've had her. Despite that, the kitten still frights when play fighting with the cat. When this happens, my kitten will hiss then abruptly lay down in a submissive pose, at which point my cat's demeanor changes and she walks away.
The subtle, yet deeply effective method my kitten utilizes to communicate a boundary is fascinating to witness. It works every time!
This story reminds me of common communication pitfalls people fall in that make it hard to assert effective boundaries. A lack of shared understanding and indirect communication practices.
Culture shapes our communication practices.
Batja Mesquita, author of Between Us: How Cultures Create Emotions, shares a personal story of how she didn't recognize certain social cues when moving to the US from the Netherlands because she didn't possess a shared understanding of acceptable vs. unacceptable communication practices. She missed signals, like changes in body language, from others' when she crossed a line that was unfamiliar to her because she didn't realize her behavior was even considered offensive here or that people were giving nonverbal signals.
Neurodiversity impacts our perceptions of nonverbal communication.
The struggle to read body language effectively isn't just a cultural imperative though. It is one way some neurodiverse individuals are different from their neurotypical peers. While a slight change in facial expression - say a fading smile with eyes cast downward - might signal to some that a comment was hurtful, others' may not perceive the difference.
Can the 93% rule really be true?
There's a lot of debate about the "rule" that 93% of communication happens nonverbally. It makes sense because the meaning of those cues and one's ability to interpret them are not universal. This means that there's a lot of room for miscommunication to occur, and the subsequent fallout - misunderstandings, lower trust, lost productivity, decreased morale, and conflict - when we presume someone should be able to "read between the lines."
This is especially true when a boundary has been crossed. Say a co-worker makes a joke that's disparaging to someone's identity. People in the room laugh. But perhaps the laughter is uncomfortable, with some participants shutting down afterwards. The speaker likely doesn't even perceive they crossed a line because they only register the positive reinforcement of laughter without noticing the subtle shifts in mode.
In such an instance, the person that said the joke won't strive to repair the damage done because they're oblivious to it. They might even utilize such communication tactics with greater frequency, believing that they're relating to people and fulfilling an important social role as someone that makes people laugh.
Meanwhile, those offended by the joke start to fester. They feel uncomfortable. So much so, they aren't speaking openly or honestly. What's unspoken puts a strain on relationships. They might even quiet quit. Or complain to some people, creating fractions and divisiveness within the team.
The downward spiral of not addressing crossed boundaries.
Things degrade, unless the person receives candid feedback from someone about the hurtful nature of their joke. When delivered with care, and clarity, the (let's assume unintentional) offender can learn how to modify their communication practices to honor and respect others. They might not know better because the boss at their old job made similar, insensitive, jokes with gusto.
When giving feedback strive to connect.
Most people don't want to cause harm to others. But when they perceive feedback as an attack on their character - like being told "you're sexist" - they'll quickly get defensive because now they feel like the harmed party. The part of their brain, the pre-frontal cortex, responsible for empathizing with others isn't engaged. This is why it's important to approach people with a desire to connect and honor their humanity. Otherwise instead of graciously receiving feedback they react to a perceived threat and dig into their position.
Vague feedback is ineffective.
On the flip side, vague and indirect feedback is difficult to act on. Say someone mentioned to the joke teller after the fact and in passing, "hey, don't say jokes like that." The joke teller doesn't even know what that means, or why. If they don't possess the awareness to see that a joke is crossing the line, they certainly can't gather actionable insight from feedback that's lacking clarity or directness.
As someone who excels at diplomatic communication, I get how hard it is to be direct and clear when asserting boundaries. It can feel safer to talk around things rather than to speak directly. It is a common tactic for mitigating other people's emotional reactions. This is especially true for women or minority professionals who must constantly navigate double standards for fear of being judged as bossy or insensitive.
And yet, the absence of clear and direct communication when boundaries are crossed is simply insufficient and ineffective.
I'm not an animal communication expert. But it seems that animals have a simple shared code for communicating transgressions. While humans are hardwired to communicate, culture, norms and past experiences greatly impact the ways we show up in conversations and what's perceived as acceptable vs. unacceptable.
Foster a shared understanding for direct, clear and kind communication.
This is why wholehearted leaders prioritize having conversations about the ways their team communicates. We cannot assume that the unspoken rules we were raised to adhere to in relationships are universal. And we must first explore what it means to be assertive and provide feedback, as part of cultivating a culture where those things are not only acceptable, but team members are emboldened to take the risk of speaking up when a boundary has been crossed.
It's that time of year, the holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, connection, and peace, but dealing with friends or family often brings challenges. You don’t have to sacrifice your well-being to enjoy the holidays. Join me for a FREE virtual training, Asserting Compassionate Boundaries for the Holidays, on 12/18 and learn tools to navigate holiday stress with grace and confidence. More info and registration is available online.
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