Does it even matter?

Jeff was in Jan's office complaining yet again about Terry.

It doesn't matter why the chicken crossed the road

"He's definitely trying to sabotage my project," Jeff reiterated for the third time.

Jan took a deep breath to steady her nerves before saying, "I understand your frustrated Jeff. And I want to help. In order for us to remedy this situation I need to back up a bit because I'm still unclear about what exactly happened. Please walk me through the events that unfolded yesterday so I have my facts straight."

As Jeff started talking, he quickly got caught back up in the narrative of Terry trying to sabotage him. Each time, Jan calmly redirected him back to sharing the facts.

Jan wasn't sure what Terry's intentions were, but it seemed uncharacteristic for him to want to sabotage a project he had invested so much into already. And as long as Jeff was fixated on proving that Terry was maliciously causing problems she couldn't get insight into what actually happened.

When conflict erupts, it's easy to get caught up squabbling over intentions. In fact, it's quite normal to assume bad intent. When in the throws of conflict we tend to revert to black and white thinking. Our brains want to categorize "others" as "bad" to validate a patterned threat reaction like fight.

This is characteristic of what I call, ugly conflict.

Jan consciously avoided getting pulled into the story Jeff had concocted about Terry's intentions because it was counter-productive. Jeff was using emotional contagion to get Jan fired up so he could have allies in the fight.

While Jeff might have been relentless, Jan was skilled at navigating conflict. She knew that getting on his bandwagon would simply fuel Jeff's anger about the situation and make it even harder to resolve the problems effectively.

Wholehearted leaders have the self-awareness and emotional intelligence to hold space for team members like Jeff without getting caught up in their propensity to fight and cause division. Instead they empathize without fanning the flames of hostility. Keeping their own emotional reactions in check while staying rational, openminded and present.

As a result, wholehearted leaders enable team members to engage in healthy conflict. Mutually agreeable solutions emerge that are better than either party could have imagined possible. Problems are effectively solved. And trust is deepened, paving the way for greater collaborative efforts to unfold.

Eventually, Jeff disclosed the facts of what happened. Jan reflected back what she heard from him. She continued asking open and honest questions, gaining insight into Jeff's ideal outcomes. She knew removing Terry from the team was a copout so she pressed to get to the heart of what Jeff wanted to accomplish.

Once she had a more comprehensive view of Jeff's concerns and needs, she outlined a path forward. Jeff was calm as he left because his boss heard him and was actively working to address his concerns. It turned out that was more important than her agreeing that Terry was spiteful.

Jan accomplished this turn around by refusing to argue about Terry's intent because it doesn't even matter anyway. She knows that projecting onto others like that only creates more barriers to resolving conflict. As long as people stay mired in assuming ill intent, conflict grows deeper through division and an "I'm better than them" attitude.

Jan doesn't want to win an argument, she wants to foster a collaborative environment where her team and organization thrive. And she did just that!