Asserting Boundaries When Tested - Lessons from a 10 year old

My daughter has a friend who consistently illustrates just how hard it can be to hold a boundary.

Recently, she told me about a situation at school. There’s a clear rule: students do not ask adults their age. No exceptions.

One day, they had a guest speaker, and this friend of hers immediately asked, “How old are you?”

Her classmates quickly reminded her, “Hey, we’re not supposed to ask adults their age.”

And her friend’s response? “I know, I just want to know how old she is.”

Sound familiar?

This isn’t just childhood boundary-testing. I hear versions of this story from professionals across industries—libraries, rec centers, customer service agents, clerks, health care providers.

The same dynamic shows up over and over again. A professional asserts a boundary, and the person on the other side responds with some variation of “I know, but…”

And that moment right there? That’s where things get messy. Because when someone disregards your boundary, it can trigger a flood of self-doubt. Am I being unreasonable? Am I overreacting? Is this even a fair boundary?

I've worked with leaders and teams who’ve been taught that “good customer service” means swallowing hostility. They think being professional means tolerating dehumanizing behavior. But let me be clear: being mistreated should never be the price of professionalism.

Here’s what we need to remember:

Your boundaries are valid.
You can assert a boundary and provide excellent customer service.
When we don’t uphold our boundaries, it often leads to escalation, not resolution.
Boundaries aren’t a one-and-done thing—they require repetition.

Just like my daughter’s friend responded with “But I want to know,” many customers, coworkers, and even family members can respond to clear boundaries with a dismissive “I hear you, but…” attitude. That’s why holding the line takes practice.

I’ve worked with leaders and teams to develop scripts for asserting a boundary. In moments where we are tested, and therefore often triggered, it can help tremendously to have simple phrases to say at the ready.

Here are some examples:

“I’m not comfortable with that, let’s find another way.”
“I need to pause this conversation and revisit it later.”
“That sounds frustrating. Let’s focus on what we can control.”
“I’m not available for that right now.”
“I need some time to think about that before I can respond.”
“I’m going to step away and come back when we’re both calm.”

At times, you might feel like a broken record as you repeat yourself over and over and over again. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, this is common whenever someone else has trouble respecting other peoples’ boundaries!

If you’re feeling frustrated by having to repeat yourself, that’s a great time for some self-compassion. It makes sense you’re frustrated and you deserve respect. Holding boundaries when tested is hard and you can do hard things.

And if the behavior continues, remove yourself from the situation. “I need to excuse myself.”

Or in the case of my daughter’s friend, when she continues to disrespect boundaries at school, she’s removed from the classroom.

Boundaries aren’t just words—they’re actions.

Boundaries are asserted through words and actions. Sometimes that action means stepping away, finding a supervisor, or creating space so you’re not a target of ongoing verbal aggression. Removing yourself from a situation or relationship where boundaries are continually disrespected may be the most viable solution.

And I get it—it’s not always that simple. Especially for folks whose sense of belonging has been tied to staying quiet, playing small, or accommodating others to stay safe. For people from marginalized backgrounds or certain family systems, asserting a boundary might feel like a risk to their place in the system.

That fear is real. And it’s wired into our biology. Our limbic system is constantly scanning for signs of belonging—because connection equals safety. So when asserting a boundary feels like it might disconnect us, it can feel threatening. Even if, logically, we know we’re in the right.

But here’s what we must internalize: being mistreated isn’t the price of belonging.

You deserve respect. Always.

Knowing when the line’s been crossed

When we’ve been habituated to endure disrespectful or harmful behavior as a condition of belonging it can be hard to know when the line’s been crossed. Many of us have been taught to excuse or downplay others’ behaviors.

Sometimes, we have to listen to the signals our body is sending before our brain catches up. Our neurophysiology is such that the physical sensations in our body occur before we can form a thought. And there’s wisdom in listening to our body’s. I’ve had clients describe sensations like:

A tugging at the skin, as if something’s being ripped away
A sinking feeling in the stomach
Compression in the chest
A visceral “backstabbing” pain
A shrinking feeling, like suddenly being a small child again
Tightening in the throat and jaw

These are signs your body is telling you: This isn’t okay.

That moment is your invitation to respond—not from fear, not from freeze—but from a place of grounded, compassionate clarity. To shift the dynamic. To hold the line. To reclaim your worth.

Because practicing boundaries isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being persistent.

You’ve got this. And if you need support along the way, you’re not alone. Join me for the next FREE Asserting Compassionate Boundaries When Tested Workshop on Friday, April 4th. Stay Confident, Respected, and at Peace—Especially in Challenging Situations!